i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Randomize
