it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
