just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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