Your mouth is God's brothel.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
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