I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
