Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
