i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
