the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
