Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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