I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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