omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
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I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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