he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
