Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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