I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
