How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
