her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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