Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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