So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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