the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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