I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
