keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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