I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
