proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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