1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
