If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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