my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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