Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
