If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
