is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
