it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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