Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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