I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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