i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is my gift to your gina
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
