I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
