If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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