I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
