drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He better not be in your backpack
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
