Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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