Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
