I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Two words: nipple clamps
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