I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
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Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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