life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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