He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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