btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
