I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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