he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
