College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
