i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
