I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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