Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
