i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hippo gnu deer
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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