her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
