my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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