Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
