my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
