Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
