Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my mouth tastes like poor choices
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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