Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
