went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
