I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
