i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
